Life Right Now

I don't like allowing myself to be vulnerable. Especially out in the open, where everyone can see it. So as I sit here, and attempt to write this post, I keep letting things pull me away from it (like vacuuming or laundry), because it means bearing a bit of my soul.

I have known I needed to write this out for a long time. The whole reason I started my blog was for me. To help get me through the fears of pregnancy, motherhood, and just life in general. But then one day, the nice man who sells pulled pork at our local market told me that he read my blog, it scared me. The idea of people that I knew reading what I wrote was strange. Why would anyone want to read my thoughts? Honestly, it always surprises me when people come up to me and say they read my blog, or send me a Facebook message about it. I know people see it, the page count tells me so. I suppose it's just more real when a real life person tells you they loved your post.

I don't believe in airing your dirty laundry on Facebook. I think it's all for attention, and it's ridiculous. This isn't really dirty laundry. It's what's been going on in my real life. It's what's been effecting me lately, and I have known that writing about it would help me for a while, but I've avoided it. So, here goes nothing.

Remember back in December, I wrote about having to stop doing my P90 program? I thought I had either a side effect of a medication that I took, or Meniere's disease. I was dizzy, to the point of almost fainting several times. Well, around Christmas I began feeling extremely anxious. My chest was tight, my heart was pounding, I couldn't take a deep breath, my head felt like it was made of lead on top of being dizzy, and my lips kept feeling numb. I wasn't having full blown panic attacks, but I felt like I could at any time.

What am I stressed about? Nothing? And maybe everything? I normally handle day to day life without any trouble. I've finally moved into my 0.5 position at work. I'm doing alright with my coaching. Harper is adorable, and challenging. We're building a house, but the most 'stressful' thing to do there is choosing colours, fixtures, etc.

I told my doctor about it, and over the past couple weeks I've tried a couple different medications to help. So far, we've found one that is really really not nice, and one that has helped. My doctor seems to think that I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but not with depression, with anxiety. I guess that's a thing. I don't feel depressed, just really anxious most of the time, if I don't take the medication.

I wasn't overly excited about taking medication. I talked it over with my doctor, and I'm already doing everything non-medical I can to help. Exercising daily, eating well, drinking water. I even tried deep breathing exercises and medication and nothing worked. He said that these things are chemical and sometimes the only way to help is medication.

So for now, I stay on the medication he gave me, until I get back from vacation, and then look at something to take between October and March. As I sit here, writing this post, in front of a sun lamp. Here's hoping, right?

So, that's what's going on with me in a nutshell. It's part of the reason I've been rather absent from my blog. That and I'm actually quite busy with my Beachbody business and obviously with Harper too.