Life Right Now

I don't like allowing myself to be vulnerable. Especially out in the open, where everyone can see it. So as I sit here, and attempt to write this post, I keep letting things pull me away from it (like vacuuming or laundry), because it means bearing a bit of my soul.

I have known I needed to write this out for a long time. The whole reason I started my blog was for me. To help get me through the fears of pregnancy, motherhood, and just life in general. But then one day, the nice man who sells pulled pork at our local market told me that he read my blog, it scared me. The idea of people that I knew reading what I wrote was strange. Why would anyone want to read my thoughts? Honestly, it always surprises me when people come up to me and say they read my blog, or send me a Facebook message about it. I know people see it, the page count tells me so. I suppose it's just more real when a real life person tells you they loved your post.

I don't believe in airing your dirty laundry on Facebook. I think it's all for attention, and it's ridiculous. This isn't really dirty laundry. It's what's been going on in my real life. It's what's been effecting me lately, and I have known that writing about it would help me for a while, but I've avoided it. So, here goes nothing.

Remember back in December, I wrote about having to stop doing my P90 program? I thought I had either a side effect of a medication that I took, or Meniere's disease. I was dizzy, to the point of almost fainting several times. Well, around Christmas I began feeling extremely anxious. My chest was tight, my heart was pounding, I couldn't take a deep breath, my head felt like it was made of lead on top of being dizzy, and my lips kept feeling numb. I wasn't having full blown panic attacks, but I felt like I could at any time.

What am I stressed about? Nothing? And maybe everything? I normally handle day to day life without any trouble. I've finally moved into my 0.5 position at work. I'm doing alright with my coaching. Harper is adorable, and challenging. We're building a house, but the most 'stressful' thing to do there is choosing colours, fixtures, etc.

I told my doctor about it, and over the past couple weeks I've tried a couple different medications to help. So far, we've found one that is really really not nice, and one that has helped. My doctor seems to think that I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but not with depression, with anxiety. I guess that's a thing. I don't feel depressed, just really anxious most of the time, if I don't take the medication.

I wasn't overly excited about taking medication. I talked it over with my doctor, and I'm already doing everything non-medical I can to help. Exercising daily, eating well, drinking water. I even tried deep breathing exercises and medication and nothing worked. He said that these things are chemical and sometimes the only way to help is medication.

So for now, I stay on the medication he gave me, until I get back from vacation, and then look at something to take between October and March. As I sit here, writing this post, in front of a sun lamp. Here's hoping, right?

So, that's what's going on with me in a nutshell. It's part of the reason I've been rather absent from my blog. That and I'm actually quite busy with my Beachbody business and obviously with Harper too.


  1. I totally believe that SAD with anxiety is a thing! I am thinking good thoughts for you, Winter. I don't think this should be counted as "dirty laundry," either. We all have struggles and it can be helpful for many to write it out. Sending good vibes your way!

  2. Hey, thanks for sharing. My friend has SAD really but during the winter months. Hang in there, I know you are benefiting a looot of people my telling them about it!!

  3. I think we read blogs to feel human and to relate with other people. I just wanted to let you know that your blogs motivate me and that you are so not alone in what you are going through. I tried to work through depression and anxiety on my own for 10 years through nutrition, excercise, positive thinking, etc. Nothing worked. I absolutely did not want to take medication, but it seems to be the only thing that helps. I would love to find a natural supplement to replace the meds! In the meantime, I hope they work as well for you as they do for me. Do not, I repeat, do not miss a Seriously though.

  4. Thinking of you! My husband was diagnosed with high anxiety, with many similar symptoms as well. It has seriously changed our life, since he went on the medication. DO NOT BE ASHAMED. I'm so glad that you found a diagnosis and a medication that works for you.

    I have missed you Winter and cannot wait to see your amazing cruise photos! :)

  5. People always tell me I'm brave for posting some of things I post but to me, it's not bravery because its my space to say whatever I want and if people dont want to read it thats cool with me .So for you to come here and talk openly about something that makes you feel a bit nervous to talk about .. thats real bravery! I think you will find that people will comment and message you and tell you they are going through the exact same thing because although people dont talk about it, it's very common.

    I suffer with a lot of the same things and resist medication as well but I do think that it is truly the only thing that works in some cases and good for you for seeking help! I hope that you're feeling at your best very soon! And keep writing.. love to read :)

  6. There's no shame in needing a bit of help sometimes. This winter I feel has been particularly bad as well with the lack of sunlight. Hugs :)

  7. Looking forward to seeing you write more again here soon!

  8. So glad you shared this. From one person afflicted with anxiety/depression to another, you're not alone! Medication can certainly help. It helps me :)


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