Weigh In Wednesday
I had a small idea a couple days ago, that since I will be working every Wednesday from now until the end of time, I will weigh in Tuesday morning and get my post all ready for the link up with Heather and Ash on Wednesday. Last week it was my first day back to work and weighing in and getting a post ready to go made my morning a little too hectic.
Anyway, to get to the point, I lost 1.6 lbs this week! I'm very happy with that, considering I thought it was 0.6 and then I put it into MFP and it was 1.6! Pay attention Winter!
I sort of wanted to talk about something else today too.
Body image.
Not a great topic for me, but one has it's talons in my mind and squeezes every time I look in a mirror.
Or see a photo of myself.
I don't know when I got such a negative picture of myself. I wasn't super thin growing up, I think I was just average. In high school, I struggled with my weight some, but it's a bit easier to lose 15 lbs when you're 16 than it is when you're 25.
But even as I type that out, it screams to me, "You're 16 years old! Why do you think you have to diet!?"
The obvious answer is the media. And if it was effecting me that badly 10 years ago, it chills me to think of what it's like now, with mass communication and social media in every aspect of our lives.
Well I should know...it still effects me. It's all over Facebook. I follow 'fitfluential' Instagram accounts. I've got a 'Motivation' board on Pinterest. It's all full of skinny people that have probably never eaten a carb in their lives.
Is it motivational? Maybe. But is it really worth the blow to my self esteem??
When I gained a bunch of weight in my first year of university, it's like my mind didn't comprehend it. I still went to buy clothes that would have fit before. After 8 years, I'm the opposite. I'm wearing jeans that are too big because I can't believe that they're actually too big. They must be just stretched out since they were washed...even though they're fresh out of the dryer. I couldn't possibly need to get a size down...I'll just wear a belt.
I can't seem to begin to see myself in a better light.
I've hated my body for too long.
And you know what the really sad thing is? I'm a nurse. I see people in their failing bodies. They want to be able to do things so badly. But they just can't anymore. Here I am, with a totally able body and I hate it. Wow. How ungrateful is that?!
That's why I always try to be proud and happy with what my body can do. It's just what it looks like that eats at me.
Even though I saw that I lost 1.6 lbs today, I still looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw any better than before.
I want to, though. So badly. I want to look in the mirror and see something I can be happy with.
Am I waiting to see a 100 lb beanpole with abs and a thigh gap and no more stretch marks?
No. That's not realistic for me. At all.
I'd like to see the number 150 on the scale. Even though that would probably still make me overweight for my height. But the BMI chart can stick it because I've got muscle and I am strong!!
I'd like to see a photo of myself and not think 'oh lord, someone take that off of Facebook!!'
I'd like to not laugh out loud when my husband compliments me, wondering what on earth he sees.
And the thing is, I don't hate myself. I really just hate the way I've come to look.
Personally, I think I'm smart, strong, and a generally compassionate person.
Is it even possible to hate the way you look without actually hating yourself?
I have no idea, but that's how I feel.
Anyway, to get to the point, I lost 1.6 lbs this week! I'm very happy with that, considering I thought it was 0.6 and then I put it into MFP and it was 1.6! Pay attention Winter!
I sort of wanted to talk about something else today too.
Body image.
Not a great topic for me, but one has it's talons in my mind and squeezes every time I look in a mirror.
Or see a photo of myself.
I don't know when I got such a negative picture of myself. I wasn't super thin growing up, I think I was just average. In high school, I struggled with my weight some, but it's a bit easier to lose 15 lbs when you're 16 than it is when you're 25.
But even as I type that out, it screams to me, "You're 16 years old! Why do you think you have to diet!?"
The obvious answer is the media. And if it was effecting me that badly 10 years ago, it chills me to think of what it's like now, with mass communication and social media in every aspect of our lives.
Well I should know...it still effects me. It's all over Facebook. I follow 'fitfluential' Instagram accounts. I've got a 'Motivation' board on Pinterest. It's all full of skinny people that have probably never eaten a carb in their lives.
Is it motivational? Maybe. But is it really worth the blow to my self esteem??
When I gained a bunch of weight in my first year of university, it's like my mind didn't comprehend it. I still went to buy clothes that would have fit before. After 8 years, I'm the opposite. I'm wearing jeans that are too big because I can't believe that they're actually too big. They must be just stretched out since they were washed...even though they're fresh out of the dryer. I couldn't possibly need to get a size down...I'll just wear a belt.
I can't seem to begin to see myself in a better light.
I've hated my body for too long.
And you know what the really sad thing is? I'm a nurse. I see people in their failing bodies. They want to be able to do things so badly. But they just can't anymore. Here I am, with a totally able body and I hate it. Wow. How ungrateful is that?!
That's why I always try to be proud and happy with what my body can do. It's just what it looks like that eats at me.
Even though I saw that I lost 1.6 lbs today, I still looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw any better than before.
I want to, though. So badly. I want to look in the mirror and see something I can be happy with.
Am I waiting to see a 100 lb beanpole with abs and a thigh gap and no more stretch marks?
No. That's not realistic for me. At all.
I'd like to see the number 150 on the scale. Even though that would probably still make me overweight for my height. But the BMI chart can stick it because I've got muscle and I am strong!!
I'd like to see a photo of myself and not think 'oh lord, someone take that off of Facebook!!'
I'd like to not laugh out loud when my husband compliments me, wondering what on earth he sees.
And the thing is, I don't hate myself. I really just hate the way I've come to look.
Personally, I think I'm smart, strong, and a generally compassionate person.
Is it even possible to hate the way you look without actually hating yourself?
I have no idea, but that's how I feel.
Do you struggle with the way you see yourself?
How do you change your view?
Are you my twin? Seriously, I have such POOR self image. I even wrote about that today a bit (but not nearly as eloquently as you did!)
ReplyDeleteExcellent loss this week though! Way to go!
Thanks! It's something I've been struggling with lately, and I thought maybe writing it out might help.
DeleteI like the photo, you're not fat, you have fat. Powerful.
ReplyDeleteI share a lot of the same thoughts as you Winter. Crazy how the media has distorted us!
I know...I wish it wasn't like this, I fear for what it will be like when Harper is old enough to care.
DeleteGirl, first off congrats on your weight loss! That is awesome!! And I think as women we all suffer from poor body image--how can we not, with photoshop and other "I lost 100 pounds in 3 weeks after baby 4) stories out there! We have to change our thoughts into more positive ones, like instead of "generically" hating the way I look, maybe I think "I really would like my arms to be more firm and not so flabby--what can I do to change that? Also, list out the things you do love about yourself. That helps too!
ReplyDeleteThanks! It really is helpful to focus on the positives!
DeleteGreat post on body image! I love the quote " you are not fat, you have fat, there is a difference"
ReplyDeleteGreat loss too! You are doing great and are an inspiration :)